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Choosing the fastest shopping lane

I hate to admit this, but I am a little OCD when it comes to choosing a checkout lane at the market. I apply a formula that has been honed over the years - at least this list of criteria makes me feel like I have some control over the length of time that I will be standing in line.

I avoid checkout lanes where:

1.  People are sorting through coupons 

I think coupons are great.  But when people use coupons it increases the risk of an argument with the cashier.  Invariably, a coupon is expired, or can only be used with the 64 oz version of the product.

2. People are holding their checkbooks

I am assuming that these folks misplaced their debit cards - why else would they use a check? What really amazes me is how unprepared most checkbook carriers are.  If you know that you are paying with a check, why don’t you have a pen?  Why don’t you start writing the check while the cashier is ringing your order?  Do you have to wait for the total, before you write the date, the store name, your signature and your phone number, etc.  on the check?  And then, do you really have to balance your checkbook, while the line waits?

3. People don’t speak American English:

I had one bad experience that I’m not willing to repeat.  I chose a line with two teenage boys.  They had just two cans of soda and cash in hand.  Everything was going great, until they tried to pay with Yen.  After 5 minutes of confusion involving the manager, two cashiers and security, I asked the cashier to just put the sodas on my bill.

4. People who carry fake handbags (fake Chanel, fake Prada, fake Louis Vuitton)  

There must be a scientific or psychological profile about the type of person that chooses to carry one of these bags that causes them to be very slow in the checkout lane.  Based on past experience, I expect the fake bag carriers to ask the cashier to ring up each item separately and pay 3 or 4 different ways (cash, check, credit, foodstamps, debit).  

5. The cashier and bagger are both Goth or Emo     

This one only applies when there is a pair.  The pair will talk non-stop to each other, oblivious to the long line waiting to get out of the store.  If you speak to them (trying to hurry them along), they will give you a look that implies that you are the rudest person on the planet. 

Even this long list of criteria can be unreliable, so … the next time I go to the store, I will apply a more complex formula: 


Shopping For Clothes:How To Choose The Fastest Shopping Line

 

 

 

 

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This entry was written by Sandi Mays and posted on February 1, 2009 at 12:29 am and filed under Just for Fun. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment(Latest is displayed first) or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

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5 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

  1. Probably too confrontational. Subtle disgust seems to work better.

    1. Michael Wilson on February 2nd, 2009 at 1:43 pm

  2. Michael,

    That is hilarious!

    Here’s one that I tried once, but it resulted in the cashier and bagger looking at me like I’d grown horns.

    I said, “Clearly, I have chosen the wrong line.” Then I covered my mouth and asked, “Did I just say that out loud?”

    2. Sandi Mays on February 2nd, 2009 at 12:34 pm

  3. If your line is moving too slow, you may also try this:

    1. Look downward and shake your head, only slightly so as to give the illusion that you are sure no one would notice (but make sure they do notice). Give this 30-60 seconds.

    2. If #1 does not work, look at the ceiling, applying the same technique as #1.

    3. If #1 and #2 are unsucessful, stare down the person slowing the line and roll your eyes if necessary. This is the atomic bomb approach, so use sparingly.

    While the line may not move quicker, these techniques are designed to grab the attention of the sales staff. I’ve been able to open up a new line in many cases. Note: I’ve noticed that this works particularly well at Target.

    3. Michael Wilson on February 2nd, 2009 at 12:24 pm

  4. It was confession Sunday … I’m not proud.

    EMO stands for emotional - a new breed of kids who’s mantra is “I would rather feel pain than my emotions.” They have a uniform … aka “scene” - the funky straight black hair sprayed in a geometric style and the large quarter sized ear spacers. Ouch!

    As for fake hand bags, they are easy to spot. They look cheap (like the vinyl in my dad’s 1976 Gremlin) and sport a huge ostentatious logo. Another dead giveaway is the threads that are invariably coming unraveled.

    4. Sandi on February 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm

  5. Wow. After all these years I am still learning more about Sandi Mays. Intriguing.

    BTW, what is EMO? And how are you able to spot a fake Prada?

    5. Dan Caruso on February 1st, 2009 at 7:43 am

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